


I'm waiting for it

by welldam



Category: Grace and Frankie (TV)
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Complicated Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Internal Conflict, M/M, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-10 22:33:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11701224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/welldam/pseuds/welldam
Summary: It takes a minute and a half of silence before Sol reaches over and talks to him.“Can you please come here.”It's not a question, and both of them know Robert is not going to say no.





	1. Chapter 1

Fifteen years ago, Sol and Robert were briefly separated.

-

Things had been rough recently. Robert could tell how bad Sol had been feeling lately, how much his guilt had weighed down on him. Things had been tense between them too, they had had less patience with each other, they weren’t on the same wavelength. They got into arguments more often, but there wasn’t even a spark in them. Sol only seemed defeated. So Robert had begun thinking.

He’d stay up, he’d become distracted by that consistent thought. He wants to protect Sol, seeing him in pain makes him feel unsure of everything and resurfacing negative feelings, guilt and self-doubt.

He had a dream in which he reached out to Sol, and Sol pushed him away like he was something disgusting. If Robert was being rational, and sometimes he is, he knows where these persistent fears come from, but it doesn’t matter because he’s still plagued by them. And after that dream, Robert really couldn’t stop thinking.

Logically Robert knew what needed to be said, what would be the sensible thing to do, because he had done the sensible thing many times before (not with Sol, but with nearly everything else in his life) and he recognized the pattern. This is what is right.

But it didn’t mean he wanted to say it.

-

It’s been a very unnervingly silent day and Robert asks Sol if they could talk in private. He sits down on the couch in his office and Sol sits down next to him.

“Sol, I don’t think we should do this anymore. The right thing to do, would be if we could just- to just be friends from now.”

Robert says it so quickly, it’s over before he even fully realizes it. It’s strange how clumsily it comes out even though he practiced this entire conversation beforehand. But the words are out there, they're something that had gone unsaid for a while, but had hung upon them.

Sol agreed, because of course he does. To be able to continue their affair, he needed Robert’s courage and belief that there’s any hope for the two of them, and when Robert says breaking up is the right thing to do, how could he disagree?

“But I need you to know something”, Robert says and briefly takes a hold of Sols arm to show him how important this is. Sol tenses under his touch.

“I’m not saying this because I’ve grown tired of you, or that I don’t love you, because I do, I love you, regardless. I’m saying this because I can see that you’re hurting.”

Sol doesn’t look at him. He closes his eyes and Robert takes a deep breath.

  
“And that’s why we shouldn’t meet like this anymore. We should call it off, because I don’t want you to be in pain like this.”

Sol shakes a little, barely noticeably when Robert says he loves him. He can’t deny he’s been hurting. But a part of him, the part that’s grown quiet now, wants so badly to get up, to scream, throw papers at him and yell.

_But I love you, too, Robert!  If I LOVE you, then what am I supposed to do?_

But Sol says nothing and stays still. He pushes that feeling down deep, where he knows he can ignore it.  He looks to the ceiling, anywhere to avoid Roberts eyes. And then he cries, silently, in a way that draws no attention. Just simple, tired tears.

Robert tries, tries so hard to recognize any relief in that cry. He wants it so badly to be a cry that says, “oh I’m so glad you said that”. He really wants to believe he sees that in Sol.

 _This is me being a friend, I know how to do it_ , Robert thinks. He assures himself, when he squeezes Sols hand in his own. Sol holds his other arm against his eyes as he hiccups and inhales deeply. He stays silent, until finally he speaks, with a voice barely out of his throat.

“I really can’t think of anything to say.”

Robert knows that.  They sit in silence and Robert feels his palm sweat.

“That’s a first.”

Robert says, kind of hating himself that he had to have a sardonic comment on this moment only because he couldn’t take the silence, but he punches it with another squeeze on Sols hand, and Sol

well,                                                                                                                     he sort of laughs.

“Yeah.”

That “yeah” is closure to this. It’s an agreement to be friends. They had been friends before.

Robert hands Sol a tissue. He keeps them around partially because of Sol, whom he knew to be the most emotional person he knows, since the day they met.

Robert can do this. He can be a friend. He can keep his hands to himself. He can ignore everything he’s feeling.

_He can do this._

_He can do this._

-

It shouldn’t be this hard for a man to sleep with his wife. There is nothing wrong with Grace, in fact, he knows she’s too good for him. And yet Robert stares into distance and his mind is disconnected from what his body is doing. The only thing going through his head is the knowledge that this is something he should do.

He knows she’s not getting much from it either, but she deserves to feel wanted, if it keeps him from hurting her any more than what he’s already done. Even if she doesn’t know it.

It’s to be expected that he makes a move towards her, or when she initiates he doesn’t decline every time. If he did, this would become a problem. It would lead to her feeling bad about herself, and he’d feel even more guilty, and they’d probably end up in therapy, and he’d hold her hand and assure her that he does find her attractive until they could move on from it.

So that is why he sometimes has sex he doesn’t want, with a woman he knows doesn’t really want him either, because this is what he’d do if he was straight.

It’s ten fourteen in the evening, and Robert stands in his bathroom, looking at his face in the mirror. He sees a man who likes nothing about himself now. He feels nauseous and he has to look away from himself. He washes his face and walks downstairs.

-

Kissing Sol feels good. Ever since that first kiss they shared, it has made Robert feel complete. They fit together, they complement each other. When he kisses Sol, there’s nothing else in the world, and he’s not afraid of anything.  He can do anything. The kisses evolve and change and still, always, they are what he needs.

But Robert doesn’t do so now. Now Robert is the man who picks up one of the comically large wine glasses from the cupboard and pours, pours, pours.

-

Robert is in a bed that isn’t his, putting his socks back on. Sleeping with Jeff was a weird experience, since it was both sleeping with a friend (which he had done before) and something he did out of mostly loneliness (which he hadn’t).

It didn't feel right, and Robert knows it doesn’t have to do with their preferences.

Jeff is on the verge of a question and Robert counts down until he says it out loud.

“Not trying to offend but am I the first man you’ve been with?”

Robert weighs on how to answer.

“No, I… I’ve been with a man before.”

“Was it Sol?”

Jeff asks that immediately, and Robert looks at him and puts on the best “I don’t know what the hell are you talking about” face. He will not talk about Sol to anyone, because he owes him that much.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s just. Well, you guys are really close, and you know what Sol’s like.”

Robert knows what the implication of that is, and he knows that Sol’s more “suspect” of the two of them, at least on surface level.

“I know what you mean, but no, it wasn’t Sol... Sol’s not like me. Not the kind of man who’d do that to his wife.” Robert says, well aware of how self-pitying he sounds.

Which is, true, sort of. Sol is not like him.  It’s because Sol was hurting Robert knew what had to be done.

This sex is different, because the guilt is there, but it’s not countered with the feeling of fitting he gets with Sol. The touch isn’t correct, the scent isn’t correct. It feels good, which was why he did it in the first place, but it’s not the same. And knowing the difference makes him feel a little lonelier.

-

On the bright side, his friendship with Sol is working out.


	2. what we are talking about is

Robert and Sol spend every day together, and Sol is smiling and talking to him like he always does, like he’s always done- and Robert can listen to him and look at him for a while before he leans a little bit too close, and that closeness yells at Robert to reach out to him and touch.

But regardless of the inner storm, Robert really believes he can live like this. He can smile and talk and watch, and then go home and live like he should and once in a blue moon have sex he doesn’t want while trying so hard to not think about anything, least of all the sex he does want.

 

* * *

 

They’re on a work related trip in Montana, and Sol is picking up their room keys. Robert sits in the hotel lobby, eyeing the lobby bar, hoping he can get unpacked, get something to drink and then retire to his room to be alone. Sol walks back to him and Robert recognizes his hand wringing disposition as a clear signal that something’s not going as planned.

“Okay, uh, so, bad news.  Our booking is only for one room.”

Robert lifts his eyebrows but very pointedly doesn’t look at Sol. He feels his cheeks flush and he clears his throat.

“They got nothing else?”

Robert asks, halfheartedly hoping. On one hand, he’d like to be able to be by himself, but on another, more honest hand, he’d also really want to be with Sol.

“No, they got nothing else for the whole weekend. But they did say they put a futon on the floor.”

“Okay, well, that’s, uh, fine. I’ve slept on worse.”

This feels somewhat like a sign. This is their first trip since they called their affair off, and what was supposed to be a three day stay in Montana, separate rooms and as little time spent being entirely by themselves as they could- was now looking like three days of staying in the same room.

Sol waits till the elevator door opens to speak.

“It’s sort of nice it happened like this, I had hoped I could talk to you in private.”

Robert says nothing but nothing could have made him more anxious than Sol saying he wants to talk.

But Robert agrees non-verbally regardless. He opens the door to their room, the promised futon on the floor, with sheets already on it. It’s fairly wide, but other than that doesn’t look very appealing.

 

It takes Sol about three minutes worth of half-hearted unpacking before he turns to Robert.

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m good, why do you ask, what about you?” Robert says all of it in immediate succession. It’s not an answer.

Sol sighs.

“Robert, I’m not blind. You don’t look that good. You look like you don’t sleep, and maybe I’m wrong but I think you’ve been drinking more, too."

He’s not wrong, but Robert resents the fact that his depression is visible to other people.  Even if it’s only Sol, who is admittedly perceptive.

“You want to talk directly? Fine."

Robert sits down on the bed and makes a non-committal face.

“I haven’t been doing so good for a while now” he finally admits, his voice is so quiet he can barely hear it himself.

It’s strange for him to say it out loud.

“I had hoped that maybe if I lived without lying, I’d be okay, but-”

He doesn’t finish his sentence because he isn’t sure what the end of it is. But Sol knows and he finishes it for him.

“But it isn’t okay. Because, because now you’re not… you.”

Again, Sol is right.

For as long as he’s not being himself, this feeling is not going away.  Robert looks at Sol and thinks about this time they’ve been apart, and how terrible he’s felt during that time. He thinks about his nausea, anxiety, loneliness, he thinks about touching Grace and touching anyone else but Sol.

Robert doesn’t look away.

Sol sits next to him. The bed feels a little smaller now.

Sol looks at him a little too intensely. When he opens his mouth, he talks a little too fast, little too desperate.

“I know what the moral thing to do would be. And I thought that our relationship being over would make me feel better too, but since then I’ve just been feeling a little worse, each day. And when I get to see you, I just am… lonely, and, Robert, I’m so, so glad we are friends, but I need- “

_I need more._

Sol speaks out loud the thoughts in Robert’s head. He takes a hold of Robert’s hand. Robert takes a hold of his. Robert can barely breathe, but there are things he needs to say.

“I know that I can have my resolve, I can **decide** what would be the right thing to do. But if I **love** you, how do I-  what can I possibly do about that?”

Sol inhales sharply at the word _love_ as every time he hears Robert say it feels like first time. But there’s something he needs to tell Robert as well and he won’t let this go until he gets to.

“Robert-

Robert interrupts Sol, trying to get his best reasonable voice right.

“Sol, what I’m trying to say is-”

Sol interrupts him right back.

“Robert, don’t talk to me like you’re giving a presentation. This is what we are talking about, we are talking about the fact that I love you and you love me too! And I do not want you to shut me out!”

Robert doesn’t know what to say but some primal part of him recognizes this. For a long time, this is not what their arguments were like. Recently, when they had fought, Sol would cave in, he’d be meandering and meek. But this is Sol, stating exactly what he thinks and he’s not going to tip toe around Robert now that he knows where they’re standing, relationship wise.  This air of strong resolve reminds Robert of a better time.  Sol doesn’t want to fight, he wants to speak plainly, without fear. After all, what’s the worst outcome from speaking out in this moment?

“And I tried, Robert, I did. But every day, I feel like I’m lying to myself.  I wish I could, somehow, take myself apart and live just like that, do you know what I’m saying? To leave behind that one part that just really finds living like this so hard -  Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard for me to just be like everybody else?”

That question breaks Robert’s heart. Robert understands exactly what Sol is saying to him. But part of him has to make sure Sol understands the truth, which is that this idea was something born out of willingness to protect him.  He wants to express that he understands Sol probably more than anyone else could but that the decision to end their relationship wasn’t born out of his own fears. Or at least, not entirely.

“Sol, you can’t- don’t make me seem selfish, when I’m asking **nothing** from you.”

“But you are! You’re trying to tell me that deciding these things on my behalf isn’t asking things from me-  But Robert, I’m not like that! There’s no one else for me, and if you don’t think we can be together then I’m alone.”

“You have Frankie.”

Robert knows it’s a low blow. He knows it was the wrong thing to say just from the way Sol looks absolutely crushed. He already knows Sol is going to shut down, and be so upset his entire body shows it. He’s going to sink down and say nothing. Robert hates himself for it.

But Sol doesn’t do that.  He doesn’t curl inwards like he naturally does, instead he looks Robert square in the eye. The look in his eyes shows defiance above everything.

“Don’t.”

“Sol, I’m-”

“Don’t do this to me. That is not what I mean and you know it.” 

And Robert knows what Sol means, because it’s the same with him.

“You’re right, and I’m sorry.”

Sol looks at him.

“It’s alright”, he says, and his voice is shaky but he does mean what he says.

Robert inhales.

 

Maybe two years ago, they had gone on a late-night walk on the shore, had had one singular quiet moment by themselves and Sol had wanted to talk about stars. 

He had sat in the sand with Robert, side by side in the lingering heat of an evening, and he had reached out to hold his hand. He had said that he believes that the two of them were meant, destined, to find each other, somehow, and it was so beautiful that Robert would believe it too. He had wanted to kiss Sol there till dawn broke, roll in the sand with him but instead he had squeezed his hand gently and kissed him once.

Robert really, truly hopes that Sol can find it in his heart to remember those words even when Robert is not being lovable at all.

 

Sol is quiet for a while, lost in thought, trying to form his feelings into words, yet they don’t seem to convey what he wants. 

Sol feels lost in a silent way, where he wishes so badly that he could stop thinking and feeling everything at once. He knows how to fix that, and he asks Robert for his cure.

“Is it okay if I hugged you?”

Robert opens his arms for him and Sol leans onto him, clutches on to his back and finds peace.

It’s safe and it’s familiar and it’s where Sol can find the strength and courage to ask what he needs.

“Robert, I need you to tell me what you’re thinking.”

An unsaid part of this sentence is that Sol needs Robert to tell him what they should do. Because he knows what he wants and he knows what would be right, but he can’t get his head clear enough to make up his mind.

Robert inhales and exhales. His breath blows on Sol’s hairs.

“I think we should talk about it later,” he says. His heart beats a mile a minute and there’s a strange uncertainty in his mind.  

Sol nods. He lets go of Robert.

 

 

* * *

 

During the day Robert notices that he really can’t be by himself, and anytime he and Sol separate momentarily, he is just drawn right back to him, to his side. Almost magnetic.

Sol has had two glasses of wine and his cheeks are red. When they get back to their hotel room Robert doesn’t bother to turn on the light.

Sol lies down on the bed. Robert settled down on the floor, without asking or talking about it in any other way.

It takes a minute and a half till Sol reaches over and talks to him.

“Can you please come here.”

It’s not a question and they both know Robert is not going to say no.

 

Robert silently gets up from the floor and climbs to bed. Sol moves over to make room for him. They lie side by side in the dark room.

“You’re a little far away.”

Sol says, and Robert looks over at him.

“We have a lot to do tomorrow.”

It’s not a rejection and Sol knows it too.  Robert turns on his side, Sol closes the distance between them, wraps his arms around Robert, holds him in his arms.

Some part of Robert is saying this is bad, he shouldn’t let himself get this close, because what good does it do if he resolved anything when he can feel Sol against him like this. He feels right in a way he hasn’t felt in months, and his heart is racing. He wants Sol and he knows any sense he might have had is worth nothing when compared to being with him.

“Sol- “

His sentence is cut short. Robert inhales sharply when Sol kisses his neck. Just barely, barely, lets his lips touch Robert’s skin, but Robert feels it in his entire body. He feels a fire in his stomach, he feels heat flush to all his extremities. Sol slides his hand down Roberts side, searching for the line of his hip bone in the dark. He dips his fingers against his skin, and there’s such a need and desire to feel that the air around them hangs heavy.

Robert wants him to go on, but he needs to talk to Sol, he needs to make it clear that Sol owes him nothing, and he shouldn’t be doing this just because he has been lonely.

There can’t be secrets between them.

Robert sits up. Sol follows him up, hanging on his every word.

“Would you like to talk now?”

Sol nods. Robert decides to take a leaf from Sol’s book and talks openly. He says only what’s true.

“I’m lonely, and I miss you. That’s the truth. And regardless of everything, I do want to be with you.”

He can barely end his sentence when Sol kisses him. He kisses him deeply, with passion and desperation. Robert kisses back, and his hands search for Sol’s face. He feels tears and he breaks the kiss.

“Are you alright?”

Sol nods, catching his breath. Robert strokes his hair.

“Do you want this? We don’t have to do anything-”

Sol presses his finger against Robert’s lips.

“I just- I’ve missed you so much. I’ve thought of you every single day.”

Robert kisses his tears.

Sol breathes heavily. He grasps on Robert’s shirt and kisses him again.

“It’s okay, It’s okay.”

Sol repeats that like a mantra, both to himself and Robert.

“Please stay with me.”

 

_I don’t want us to be apart._

He says that against Robert’s skin, rubbing his face in his hair. He climbs on top of him, working his deft fingers undoing the buttons and Robert can barely hold on to him. Sol wants to feel skin contact, he wants the rough and real reminder that he’s not alone.

There’s something that becomes solid in this intimate moment, even if they don’t find words for it till later; a promise to be there for each other.  A promise that one day what they have won’t entirely be behind closed doors, in hidden glances and brief touch. Something that they both deep down knew, but right now, when they’re meeting each others eyes in the dark room, it’s a promise and it’s a bond.

Robert wraps his arms around Sol who practically slumps on him, kisses his cheek, neck, lips. He holds onto Robert’s shirt collar and kisses him so deeply they can hardly remember to breathe.

He makes the smallest sounds that Robert loves, when his voice gets low and quiet Robert’s mind spins. To want someone who wants you back just as much, is incredible to him. The way they understand each other, each other’s bodies- It’s perfect.

Robert is glad his eyes grow accustomed to the dark, and he can see Sol clearer. Sol holds onto him for dear life, straddling him, moving with a stuttering, almost- rhythm and Robert wants to tell him how incredible he is, how beautiful he is, and how much he loves him. He knows he can tell him all that later because right now Sol doesn’t need as much as he needs Robert’s touch. Right now he wants more than Robert to tell him about his desire.

_He wants Robert to show him._

Sol gives Robert’s body purpose, mends what’s broken in him, puts him together, makes use of him, makes him strong, and then he takes that strength, all of it, because he can. It’s all his. He wants it, he needs it, he wants Robert to remind him of how strong he is.

  
Robert wants his hip to meet Sol’s. When he tilts them backwards, kissing Sol as he presses him down to the covers, he lets Sol hold onto his shoulders, dig onto his back with his nails.  Sol can’t stay down because he needs to keep kissing Robert even when he shifts upwards to tug Sol’s pants lower. Sol shudders when Robert takes him in his hand, and he does the same to him.  It’s fast and near desperate but there’s something maddeningly beautiful about it nevertheless.

 

* * *

 

“You love me,” Sol says, when they’re lying still in the darkness, his head on Robert’s lap and it’s quiet enough that Robert can hear both their heartbeats. It’s not a question, but Robert answers anyway, taking Sol’s wrist and pressing a butterfly kiss on it.

“And you want to be with me.”

“I do.”

Robert lets those two words hang in the air for a little while, and he notices how Sol’s breathing changes and how his heart beat quickens. Because now they mean something else, too.

Robert clears his throat and adds, knowing full well that they talk of two things at once:

“I do, and I don’t know yet _how_ but I will.”

Sol looks up at him and swallows, his eyes are wide in the dim light and he’s searching for the answer in Robert’s gaze.

“I do, too.” Sol says then and Robert breathes in.

Robert settles down onto his back and Sol moves next to him, keeping his eyes on him. He opens his arms to Robert who meets him half way.

When Sol falls asleep, his face hidden in the back of Robert’s neck, Robert knows that this is his fate. He couldn’t be more grateful about it.


End file.
